I have been tasked
with writing 10 points on survival.
This tasking came
about during a brief discussion based on the recipient of a frivolous “you’re a
spoon” accusation that was handed from one individual to another. This comment
has no bearing on the following, and I am not clear on the exact conditions of
said comment, but I can assure you, I have lost no sleep on it. But after
interjecting into the said negative comment/gesture, a plea for mediocre help
was issued.
This unfortunately was
not a cry of help to fend of lions with laser shooting eyes, or to stop jungle
fever induced diarrhoea, or to solve the mystery of Sherlock Holmes as he
obviously plunged to his death in the last episode, but some how manages to
waltz about merrily, or be it lurking behind a tree, after his doctor friend. I mean
really, surely there should have been a dirty splatter of his innards
permanently marking the floor that stopped his friend saving fall. On that note
of people falling to their splattery death, In Bruges has similar circumstances
of jumping to an inevitable death to save the hide of his friend dearest. However
on this occasion there seems to be an indication of poor quality control in the
craftsmanship of the metal pistol that is shattered upon impact, which is in
contrary condition to owners skull which remains resiliently wholesome.
Shifting back from
beating that bush into submission, the help orientated plea was to evidence a
path of success during the last term of an undergraduate course. Even I’m bored
of it before writing it… It could have been about surviving
capture of a enraged gorilla that has masterminded the take over of Checkers,
or how to undermine the privatisation of all European roundabouts so they all
go clockwise in a bid for international consistency, or how to destroy the
growing hedgehog empire that seems to plague our back garden. No, this is how
to navigate those final bitter, burden heavy, social free, contorting,
anguishing, unrelenting, mind screwing, challenging, stupefying, brutal…..lovely
months.
Well the truth is, I don’t know. It’s a blur. Maybe not a blur. It’s a
mixture of un-spectacular to the outsider, but unforgettable moments to the
insider (me). They’re boring moments of getting three cups of coffee for three
because you made a joke with the vender. It’s about staying an extra 23 minutes
after kick out to finish the never used section. It’s about the night guard
coming round the studio at 2 in the morning handing out peaches just to help
everyone through the night. It’s the entirely forgettable moments…that somehow
are stuck in my head. So here is the top ten tips to triumph.
1 – Have short nails
I can’t think of much worse than having a broken nail at 2:30 am, compounded when you
haven’t got any nail clippers. You’re dealing with the impending doom of
definite failure that all the effort your pouring into this piece of crap you're
supposedly designing is going to fall on it’s arse. You are struck with the idea
that you would have been better off being a chippy straight out of secondary school,
that all the money that you would have made from working straight away would
easily balance out the money you’re going to get after graduation. It’s made
even worse because you know you’re not going to graduate, you’re going to be
stuck with £27,000 worth of debt, a bitter taste, friends all moving onto
better things, and you're going to be doing the same job you left when starting
here. You're dealing with the reality that this is all for nothing, that life is
too short and you’re a failure, you're dealing with the life crushing realities
that you’re having a midlife crisis at the age of 23 and then your nail rips.
You catch it on the zip of your bag and it slices ungainly towards the nerve
endings in your fingers.
With the mental capacity of a coke influenced anarchistic teenager, you
decide to deal with the problem immediately, and continue the rip down to
remove offending splintered nail piece.
In the heat of the moment you have removed half your nail, you’re in agony
as the pulsing nerve endings pulsate brilliantly in the face of your moronic
compulsions. Whilst a plaster hides the immediate problem, your hand is
rendered useless for the days to come. An irritable persona encases your every
move, and you have lost the ability to work constructively.
It’s a disaster
easily missed. Cut your nails.
2 - Don’t cut your nails
You haven’t got time to be wasting cutting your nails?! It doesn’t matter
what dirt you have trapped under there, and long nails make for good pincers to
tackle those multiplying spots that occur during the times of oily stress.
3 - Make love to the security guards
Don’t make love to the security guards. There should also be another point
that says don’t do everything that you’re told, but that sounds far too serious
and meaningful for the ill ramblings of an idiot.
In fact, get in bed with all the staff, it's just good sense. They’re the ones
that make that place work, and they’re the ones that can cut the corners, get
you to the front, take you to the front, put you at the front...get you a free
biscuit, sometimes they even dunk it for you…and biscuits are good. Who doesn’t
like biscuits? Because biscuits come with tea, and that’s my next point
4 – Make love to tea
Don’t just know about tea, read about tea, see about tea…you have to love
tea. Love tea and drink it. There is nothing better than the sight of a steamy
cuppa ready to be dunked, and then drunk. If there where ever to be a uni
survival pack, it should include nothing else, not a tin of baked beans nor a condom - but a mug, a box of tea bags, Milk (I suspect UHT in case you buy
this pack a couple of weeks before you go to uni), and a spoon.
Tea is better than watching kittens eat Rupert Murdoch, I know this hasn’t
happened, and I wouldn’t want it in reality, but as this is a place of fiction, i am allowed to imagine it.
Tea is a friend that no friend could ever be. It’s warm and lovely, it
doesn’t talk back, it helps you to make other friends, it acts a distraction
from work, and helps as a fuel for you to tackle work. Anyone that mocks tea
has no place to comment further, as they have lost the morale high ground, and
should be extradited without trial, without question, without appeal, to
Norwich.
5 – Have biscuits to hand
Have biscuits to hand, so you can dunk them in tea. To see how good tea
is…drink it. To see how tea is relevant, read point 4.
6 – Hamas is relevant
Talking from a creative perspective, knowledge of just about everything
still isn’t good enough to make lovely work. Talking from a non-creative
perspective, knowledge of just about everything makes you Steven Fry, and I
don’t want to be Steven Fry.
Knowing about just enough gets you just about known. Read up, because
knowing a little about Hamas may come in handy when you least expect it.
7 – Quote the shit out of films
To do so, you need to watch films, to watch films, you need to take time out
of work. To take time out of work, you need to have a break. To have a break,
well according to Nestle, you need to have a Kit Kat, now apart from their less than reputable
reputation for screwing over the third world, I couldn’t agree more with
Nestle, because Kit Kats are great, unless you don’t hear, because it might
sound like kick cats.
...I would start with Top Gun, it’s a great one for a sing a long, cheesy
lines, and worse repeat film cuts.
8 – Stop reading this and get on with your work!
9 – Make sure you have a brother that is several years older than you are
and that has done the exact same course as you, with the same tutors, in the
same uni that knows what you’re getting into and can guide you through and
support you in the harder times
This takes an uncongenial amount of preparation that I am as of yet, to
comprehend. It involves hoping to have a bigger brother, which means wishing
for something before you’re born, which as far as I know, isn’t possible. But
then I thought Transformers 3 wasn’t possible, and they still made that.
10 – Love it
Love it
Not sure any of this helps, and for those that have for some reason
continued to the end of this un-flowing array of disconnected dribble, read a
decent blog for heavens sake.